In today's post I wanted to talk about my history with abuse, both emotional and pyschical. What's bought this one... Well my boyfriend did and before you all freak out and think that he is the one who did it, his not but I had several panic attacks because he and I had a fight. I feel like this topic is important to talk about now because it is the reason for my "freak out".
It's not an easy thing to talk about and it sure as hell leaves one with scars, and not the visible kind. I was lucky in the sense that I managed to leave before things got bad.
So who was responsible for hurting me, my first serious boyfriend. It was all perfect to start with and slowly it started to go pear shape. It was little things at first, he wanted to spend weekends apart, he wanted me to wear a certain outfit, he told me that I needed to wear make up when I left the house, I should wear more "girly outfits", and then that turned into I think you have put weight on you need to lose a few Kgs or should you be eating that and my favourite stop having a sook just because you have your period. At the start I made the changes because it made him happy. I thought this is what is meant to love someone but by doing that I lost myself.
The emotional abuse got worse and worse, he told me that I couldn't have male friends, I wasn't allowed to talk to my best friends, I wasn't allowed out with my girls unless he was there, he accused me of cheating on him if I looked at a guy and then he got pyschical. He hit me because he didn't like the way I wore my make up. He never left me with marks or bruises that people could see. He choked me once during sex because he said it would "make me feel good", then he choked me because I looked fat in an outfit he picked for me and I had ruined his evening.
Eventually I told him I needed time away from him and I went away with my family for a weekend. When I got back I felt bad that we had a fight and I went to apologise. I found him in bed with someone I thought was a friend and I walked away from him. Got my life on track and then I saw him when I was out having dinner with friends. I walked out of the restaurant and he followed me, he dislocated my wrist and I punched him in the face.
In that moment I felt so empowered and I felt so proud of myself. It took me a long time to walk away from him and finally I did. The downside though is that I still have scars, not the type you can see but the ones on the inside. I started seeing a shrink and she helped me through a lot of it but the one thing still remains, I will have panic attacks sometimes and the tigger for it may be something small or something big.
The fight with my boy was one of those things and I'm not sure how I'm going to get through it but what I do know is that with him I can. He is my rock he may drive me crazy and he may say things that make me upset but the one thing I do know is that he would never hurt me the way that my first serious boyfriend did.
So for all those girls out there that are in the same place I was, you can get out, there are better men out there all it takes is you having to stand up for yourself and saying enough is enough.
Xx