So today I had a bit of a melt down thanks to a nasty thing called insecurity. My morning started off fine. I was enjoying a lovely breakfast with my boyfriend and he was telling me about his clients (his a PT) and self doubt crawled its way into my head.
Can I just say that I hate self doubt and these insecurities and everyone has them, anyone who says that they don't is a lair.
So why did him talking about his clients cause this? Well that my loves is the million dollar question... The answer is simple, I compared myself to them and realised that I would never be that person people would think is extraordinary. I'm just an average person, I have average looks, average intelligence, I don't have any special talents, I'm uncoordinated and there isn't anything about me that stands out. I then started to think I hate myself.
It's a harsh opinion to have of oneself, it sounds awful when I write it down but I hated myself in that moment. I hated that I was average, that I wasn't anything special and the worst of it was I have spent my whole life been told that I wasn't anything special. I spent a long time proving people wrong but this morning I wanted to give up. I didn't want to prove anyone wrong I wanted to agree with the people that called me average.
So I went home to bed and I cried about the fact that I was average. When I was done l cuddled my boyfriend and he told me I was beautiful and perfect. That made me feel a bit better, it made me feel a little less broken.
I spend a lot of time making fun of myself and my insecurity use that to make other people laugh. I feel that if I do it then other people won't have a chance to do it behind my back. They won't have the power to hurt me with they words because I have done it to myself.
I think that I need to stop because my doing this I'm making it okay for others to see me as average and to laugh at me. It hurts and it breaks me.
I just want there to be a day where I love myself, a day where I don't compare myself to my sisters, a day where I can think about myself in a positive light, until that day happens I need to keep proving everyone wrong and I need to not give up because if I do then they win. Plus I'm no quitter.
So here's to our inscurities, to the average person and to the haters.
Keep fighting and don't let them win.
Xx